Pregnancy and God's Faithfulness

The story of my journey to become pregnant has become more beautiful than I could have hoped for. This will forever be a moment in my life that I can turn to look back on and be reminded of God's faithfulness. I was going to start this back at the beginning of this year but as I sat down to write this I realized that it goes further back. We knew that before we could even begin to try to get pregnant we wanted to have a house. 

Our House

So in the middle of a pandemic in mid-April, we began looking seriously. While I know the market is even worse now, it was still pretty bad. Things were off the market within a day or two. Houses were getting multiple offers and prices started high. You had to be prepared with your best offer in hopes of out-bidding other offers. It was very stressful. By the second week of searching, we found a house that had gone back on the market after an offer fell through. With the house listed as on the market for 30 days, others might have overlooked it assuming there were big issues since it wasn't already snatched up. After looking at the house we felt pretty good about it and later that night we put in an offer. We found out the next day that another offer was put in after ours. We increased our offer slightly and then just had to wait. Ultimately they chose our offer. Despite it being slightly less than the other offer we had a more stable and larger down-payment. Since the last offer fell through they didn't want to have any more issues selling the house.

This also meant they wanted a quick closing date. Exactly 30 days later we signed the final papers and were given the keys to our house. And here again, we saw how good God's timing was. We still had 2 months left on our apartment lease. So for the next month and a half, we painted and fixed up the house to get everything ready to move in. The week leading up to our move I was able to take time off and move smaller items first so that we had less to do for the big move that weekend.

We had a house. Now discussions of when we were ready for a baby had a much more realistic timeline to work with. We had initially decided that we wanted to be in the house a year before having a baby. Now we had to look more at if that meant trying in a year or trying when the due date would put us in the house for a year. And of course, there was still a pandemic going on, making the future medical journey of being pregnant entirely unpredictable.

Planning

We eventually decided that I would go off birth control at the start of 2021. I was looking forward to the end of the year with much anticipation. Then as the end of the year came closer, a vaccine for covid was actually done and in the early stages of distribution. But there was no way to know for sure when I could get it and of course the big question: is it safe for pregnancy? In that first week of December, I reached out to my OBGYN and asked their recommendation about getting pregnant and getting the vaccine. My heart sank when I got a reply. The advice that my provider was giving at the time was to not try until after having the vaccine because there was no evidence at the time of it being safe to get it while pregnant.

I felt that for me that getting the vaccine as soon as possible was the right call. And had looked into what information was available and felt that it had been well researched and developed. But at the time, I was not expecting to be able to get the vaccine until possibly spring 2021 at the earliest. I had to make a choice about which option was best for my health and for my future child. I cried a lot during those conversations about what we would do. At the time we decided we would wait. It would be agonizing but surely it was the right thing to do. December was a hard month and I cried a lot. I clung to any updates on vaccine production that could result in getting it sooner. I asked my supervisor if our job qualified us to get it sooner. At the time the answer was no.

Then I went to a Christmas Eve service with my family. The message wasn't overly focused on Mary as a mother or on Jesus as a baby. I don't think even the songs focused much on it either. I just remember that the feelings I experienced were not prompted by what was taught but came from a personal wrestling with God. I was in tears the entire sermon, grieving the baby I didn't have and had decided that I couldn't have until it was safe. I had emotionally not been in a good place after making the decision to wait. The toll on my mental health would have been too much when deep in my heart I knew it was time. After talking with Kyle we chose to return to the original plan. I would go off birth control in January. We were going to trust God and His timing. Maybe I would get the vaccine before getting pregnant or maybe I would have to wait and go through my pregnancy unvaccinated. Whatever was going to happen was going to be in God's control, but it was time to open the door to that next chapter in life.

Then God again was faithful and provided. I got a call in early January that it had been decided that the place I worked was counted among health care and would receive the vaccine in phase 1A. My appointment was scheduled for the next week and by February 11th I had my final dose. I had my vaccine during the time that my body was likely still adjusting to being off birth control and would have had a lower chance of getting pregnant. Now we could try to conceive without concern. I was exactly where I wanted to be.

TTC (Trying to Conceive)

So now we were trying. And trying. And trying. Each month passed as I tracked my cycle, took a test, saw the single strip on the test, and then watched my body start the next cycle. It was an emotional rollercoaster with of course all the lovely additional side effects of going off birth control. I knew it would be hard and I knew it would take time. But that didn't stop the disappointment that came each month when I found myself still not pregnant. Still not a mother.

My Calling to Motherhood

Perhaps now is the time to pause and talk about why being a mother is so important to me personally. I know this is something many women desire and pregnancy is a common way people pursue growing their family. But I have a deeply rooted desire to be a mother that I know has only come from God. From the age of around 7, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would answer that I wanted to be a mom. But what may be presumed by some as a sweet, silly child's answer was very genuine. As I grew, it didn't waver. I wanted to be a mom, hopefully, a stay-at-home mom if I could. I eventually found careers and majors I would be interested in pursuing and did feel called to. However, this didn't change the certainty that being a mom was my primary calling. I knew that God had gifted me when it came to working with babies and kids. It came so naturally and people around me would point it out as well. I was presented with many opportunities to learn even more about working with kids, learning how they develop, and learning how to best guide and love them. Before I graduated college I had been to 3 separate parenting conferences that also came from a trauma-informed perspective. I was exposed to so much information while still young and I took advantage of every opportunity I had.

But I also grew in my spiritual understanding of God and how He fulfills our desires. Psalm 37:4 reads, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." While I don't know if I can describe this as clearly as it was taught to me, here's my attempt. As we grow closer to God and grow in our love of Him we will desire to follow His plans and live according to His will. A desire will be placed in us that will align with His will. When this happens He will of course delight in giving us what we are desiring because it will further bring glory to Him and His kingdom.

I believe that this strong desire to be a mother came from God. I believe that this aligns with His will for my life. I believe He has given me spiritual gifts that will help me as a mother. So the hope that I have tried to hold onto is this: that the God who placed this desire in me will not leave me wanting. 

Mother's Day

So then Mother's Day came. We had been trying and had not yet been rewarded with that positive test. At the time I should have been just shy of a week away from being able to take a test or having my next cycle start. So I came into Mother's day already feeling defeated but still trying to hang on to hope. This Sunday also happened to fall on a week that Kyle was serving on the tech team at church, which meant he wouldn't be sitting with me in church or leave the house when I did. So that morning I got ready for church at home alone. I drove myself to church alone. I then walked into church and chose a seat in the back alone. 

I worshiped, listened to the sermon, and followed along by taking notes, but once again, God and I were having our own conversation as I sat in church that day. I prayed. I prayed inspired by the prayers of Hannah in 1 Samuel. And in truth, this prayer was a prayer of lament. I called out to God in my sorrow. I did not hide my frustration at still having the answer be not yet. 

This was what you said God. This is the desire you placed in me. I am at a place in life where I can now be a mother. I am no longer the teenage girl who longed for the day that she was married and could start a family. I am ready to follow that path and desire that you gave me.

But even in my frustration, I prayed Psalm 37:4 back to God and I prayed those words and what I was taught to help anchor my hope in Him. That the God who had placed the desire of motherhood in me and had prepared me for it would not leave me wanting and would give me the desires of my heart.

And while all of what I have shared so far is only an approximation of the words I know I prayed that morning, I did write down a small section of my prayer in my notes that morning.

"Lord, I pray that this is the last Mother's Day that I am not a mother."

Then church was over. I went home. I told Kyle what had happened that morning and what I had prayed to God. In all of my prayers and grief, I had reached a small moment of peace or maybe just pure exhaustion when I chose to stop trying to push my timing and let God work.

I then tried to move on with the day and leave the emotions behind me and focus on what still needed to be done that day (including some relaxing).  But as I got ready for bed that night, I found that my next cycle had come early and received confirmation that I was still not a mother and still no closer to holding my baby in my arms. I cried. I cried hard that night. Kyle sat with me and held me while I cried. That was all we could do that night.

That next month I still tracked my cycle and potential fertility like I had been but I didn't make many changes based on the info. I assumed my body was still working on regulating itself after coming off birth control. And clearly, the very short cycle from the previous month was evidence of that. I had already decided that I would lay it all at the feet of God. I was so weary from trying to control and make it happen in my timing. 

God's Timing

As the start of my next cycle approached I wasn't planning to take a pregnancy test. I just had things on hand for the next cycle. Each day that week I was so sure it was going to finally start that day. But as the week went by and it still hadn't started I knew that I needed to check. So Friday night I decided that I would take a test that next morning but I was honestly expecting another negative test. To my astonishment that next morning the test very quickly began to show that second line. And it wasn't a faint line that could leave some doubt. It was a bold, dark line that stood out more clearly than the control line. 

Telling Kyle was a bit humorous. I assumed that in his half-awake state he remembered that I said I would take a test. So he surely had to be waiting for the result if he was awake at all. I was wrong and I took a bit for him to get his bearings on what was happening but once he did we were celebrating together. 

While all of this is wonderful, it wasn't until later that I was able to reflect on all the ways God had answered my prayer in ways I hadn't anticipated. The first layer was that I was pregnant obviously but then also realizing that I got pregnant at the next possible time. This meant He had answered my prayer as soon as it was physically possible. But it goes deeper. When tracking the gestational age of a baby, you go back to the first day of your last cycle. For me, that day was mother's day. So even without knowing it at the time, God was preparing me on that mother's day to be a mother and I can always look back to that day as the "start" of my journey to motherhood. But it gets even better. My prayer for the baby came before my cycle started that day and my cycle shouldn't have started for another week. God answered my prayer from that morning by having my cycle start later that day. He answered my prayer by making my ability to get pregnant come sooner. 

God showed me that He can answer yes to prayer and begin the process of fulfilling it immediately, but it may still take time for the results to be visible in my life. That's why it's so important to look back at how God has answered your prayers and been faithful. While I had prayed for this baby throughout my journey, it wasn't until I reached a point of desperation that resulted in full dependence on God that He showed me He was still there. Through the ups and downs of life to come this child will be a constant reminder of God's love and faithfulness. 

 I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27

Baby Basil

 It's been about a week since I planted the seeds but I already can see all 6 little sprouts!!!!!!

Backstory

For Christmas, I got a subscription to the FabFitFun seasonal box. So far it's been pretty cool. I just got the spring box and one of the items I chose is the Short Stories LED Indoor Planter with basil seeds. I had already been considering getting something like this so that I could grow fresh herbs to use in my cooking.

I planted my six seeds—three on each side—on Friday, March 5th. After five days I could see one sprout had started growing. As already mentioned I now have all six growing. 

Excited to watch them grow and excited to start cooking with fresh home-grown herbs!

Happy Pi Day!

Pi day is a much-celebrated holiday for my family. It's an excuse to eat pie and enjoy some math fun. Yes, I said math and fun in the same sentence. This does exist.

Just wanted to quickly share one of my favorite things to do on pi day besides eating pie. Someone took the numbers 0-9 and put them with keys on the piano and then played pi. They also added some harmonies in the left hand to make it a full song. Not only is it great with its beautifully eerie sound, but it is a great way to memorize the digits of pi. I started learning this song years ago. I  don't remember how far I got then but I picked it back up today and I can play around 40 digits from memory. 

Also here is a picture of the beautiful pi apple pie I made this morning before it was devoured.

Favorite Things: Vanity Chair

This will likely be an ongoing series. Every now and then I come across an item that is just so useful or cool and I can't help but share it with others. 

Today's item: a vanity chair

If you have a makeup space in your bathroom with a hardwood floor, a rolling stool is the way to go. I have a backless rolling stool. The advantage of this is the ability to quickly get around. My vanity is kind of in the middle of the bathroom. If I roll to the left I can reach the sink and if I go to the right I can grab my washcloth. It makes it really easy to do my skincare routine.

Not a groundbreaking discovery but still something I felt was worth sharing. It helps with the flow of my routine and just adds a little bit of fun by getting to roll around. 

The Face Behind the Mask

 This past year has been weird.

There's no other way to put it. We've been in the midst of a pandemic. Things we do know are things that we wouldn't have believed a year ago. These types of cloth face masks most people use weren't available a year ago and now you can buy them from just about anywhere. Even your favorite designer brand is selling them. 

The way we interact with people has changed a bit. We don't see smiles. We can only see the eyes. It's required us to become much more expressive with our eyes in order to communicate how we feel. 

One of my realizations is that beyond making larger expressions for others when I wear a mask, I've started making them to myself. I've noticed it as I walk around the grocery store. While my inner dialog is going I make facial expressions in response to what I'm thinking about. And these aren't usually small expressions. But most of this is all hidden under the mask. 

This has put me in a bit of a 'chicken or egg' scenario. Did I already make faces when thinking to myself in public? Did this start after wearing a mask? Did I do this before and the mask just allows the expression to be larger and still hidden?

And my most important question: is this going to keep happening once I no longer wear a mask!?!? 

A Life-Long Love of Socks

 I love socks!

A lot...... 

As far back as I can remember I have loved bright, colorful, patterned socks. As a kid, it was in part due to fabric feel. White cotton socks were often thick and uncomfortable. I also didn't like how short socks felt. I needed at least a crew cut. But my all-time favorite award belonged to knee-high socks.

I would wear these ridiculously tall socks any time of year. Even in 90° weather, you would find me in shorts with knee-high socks in the brightest colors imaginable.

I detested the times when I was forced to wear those uncomfortable white socks. One such time was on camping trips. Our clothes had to be sprayed with bug spray and my bright socks wouldn't have handled it well or give the protection I would need during the long hiking trip. Suffice to say I was not a happy camper without my expressive colorful socks. 

The other occasion when I was forced to wear white socks was when something was going on with my feet and the doctor said I had to wear white cotton socks. This was torture for little me.

As I remember, even up through middle school I avoided white socks and ankle socks. It wasn't until high school that I finally caved and got ankle socks. The grueling summer heat of marching band was just too unbearable in long socks. That, and the turf got everywhere and it helped keep my daily socks in better condition. Still, despite making that big step, they needed to be colored and patterned. It was likely not till mid-high-school that I finally got white ankle socks. My childhood self would have been horrified.

Now as an adult woman who graduated from college, I still own no white crew socks. I wear my ankle socks in the summer or for working out but all my other socks are fun, colored, patterned, and full of personality.

My current favorite socks are all found from the brand Sock It To Me (found on Amazon). They have crazy fun patterns from coffee cups to Van Gough's starry night to dragons to cute pandas. They make crew-length socks but every pair I own are long, knee-high socks and I love them. This brand ranks so highly not only because of the fun patterns but also due to the quality. Many colored socks from my past were fun but not durable and would quickly receive holes. These socks are thick enough to last without being overly thick for those sensitive to the feeling of their clothes. 

Now, this is the part of the story where tragedy strikes. Most of these socks I've had for a couple years. Because multiple socks were given to me at once they have all begun falling around the same time. My favorite patterns and prints getting holes in the heel or near the ball of the foot. To lessen the sting of the mass casualties I got more for my birthday this past summer. Some have quickly become favorites and are worn with more frequency.

Tragically, this past week not only did I lose an old favorite of red Chinese dragons snacked around my calves, but a new comrade has fallen. My beloved green socks were decorated with bowls of ramen. They were a glorious pair. A favorite of many. My socks will always be well-loved. Never forgotten.

It might be a little silly but it is one thing in my life that can bring a smile to my face at any time of day. It's also so much fun picking the socks that best go with my outfit of the day. Despite how crazy some of the socks can be, after many years of practice, I'd like to think this is a skill I have mastered.

I write this post in memory of the socks long gone. Knowing that the socks of the future will shine just as bright! 

Perfection in Imperfection

 "If I can't do it perfectly, it's not worth doing at all."

So many times I have fallen into this trap. And so many times it hurts me in the long run. From homework to living a healthy lifestyle, striving for perfection isn't necessarily wrong, but failing to be 'perfect' takes a toll. When I couldn't be perfect I would just stop trying. Lately, I've been working to be ok when I can't do something perfectly. 

Yoga

I've had an on-and-off relationship with yoga for nearly 5 years. I would strive for daily practice, but if I missed one day I would either stop or try to double up. In those cases, the stress of trying to make up the days I missed would cause me to fall even further behind until I had to give up. But all of that changes when I allow myself to not be perfect and give myself permission to just pick back up the next day. No make-up videos, just do the next one. And it's worked.

I started back at the end of October. I didn't commit to daily, just the mornings I had time. Sometimes the evening if hadn't had time in the morning and still wanted to. Initially, I was getting in 3 or 4 videos a week. And even though it wasn't a perfect daily practice, it was healthier for my physical AND mental health than the weeks when I did nothing. As I approached the end of December though, I did make a commitment to make it daily in preparation for January. Every year the Yoga With Adriene channel starts the year with a 30-day yoga challenge. I have started many of them but have completed few and never stayed daily. When the challenge came I mentally gave myself permission to have the goal of daily but not beat myself up if it didn't happen. Life can be unexpected and I knew I couldn't plan ahead for every situation. If a day came that I didn't have time or wasn't physically well enough, I wouldn't force myself or feel guilty. With the pressure off, not only did I do it daily, but I didn't miss doing it first thing every morning. This was a HUGE accomplishment and I am really proud of myself. 

Now that the challenge is over I would still like to stay close to daily but give myself permission to not. I won't always have time Sunday morning or maybe I'll have early appointments during the week. Missing one or two days a week is no big deal. I will admit that enjoying how I feel physically and mentally each morning does make it easier to show up the next day on the mat.

Read the Bible in a Year

Yearlong Bible plans are hard. Many of the reading plans start in Genesis which is fine but when I get to Numbers and other long lists it can become very tedious and can make it hard for me to stay engaged. And if I got behind then I wouldn't finish in a year. If I didn't finish in a year then I failed at reading the Bible in a year because it took longer than a year. 

My first step to allowing imperfection was not starting at the beginning of the year. I could start it any time and it would take away the pressure of being a new year's resolution. But it didn't take away the fact that some parts of the Bible can be really tedious to get through. Plus, having ADHD made it a little harder to follow through because I couldn't get my brain to engage and focus if it wasn't interested. 

The solution to this problem came when I was in college and someone introduced me to a reading plan that rotates through different parts of the Bible each day. But it did specifically match it with days of the week. 

Sunday - Epistles 

Monday - The Law

Tuesday - History

Wednesday - Psalms 

Thursday - Poetry

Friday - Prophecy 

Saturday - Gospels 

The different topics were perfect for me and I really like this plan. Except......if I do miss a day then I HAVE TO catch up on the previous day and do that day's so that I don't mess up the day alignment. 

So I have tried to do this plan many times, have printed it off multiple times, have uncovered printed copies long-forgotten slipped into bibles. But it seems I've only ever made it a month or so in before giving up. But I am stubborn and determined to do this and really want to make this plan work. So once again I started through it. I even assigned each day its own color to use when I check the box. And for a few weeks, I didn't miss a day. Plus the rainbow boxes looked so pretty! Then one night it was late and my brain had checked out. I wasn't sure I could do it. 

I think I was supposed to be reading Joshua and it was a long list of who they had conquered or how inheritance was divided. Whatever it was, it was a list with lots of names and places. I knew that I would get nothing from trying to read it because I wouldn't actually be receptive to the words. So that night I allowed myself to do something that has changed the whole experience. 

I didn't read from Joshua. 

I skipped to the next section in Psalms. I love reading Psalms and the other books of poetry in the Bible. Poetry connects deeply with me and isn't as hard to get my brain to focus on. 

This meant that I still read the Bible and I was engaged while reading. It gave me permission to pick which section I wanted to read from if I was having a harder time focusing. The pressure to not miss any days was gone because I was no longer forced to stay on track with each day of the week. 

Stepping back, yes the reality is that it will take me longer than 365 days to finish this reading plan. I've already missed more days than I would like. But I'm still doing it. Yes, I am "breaking the rules" of the reading plan I chose. Still, by allowing myself to approach it this way, I can guarantee that I will stick with this plan much longer than I have been able to before and may actually complete it! It won't feel like a huge chore that I can't keep up with. I have set limits that work for me and my brain while still accomplishing something important to me. It's imperfect, but I think it is the perfect solution for me.