"I'm Fine"

How are you doing?

I'm doing well.....

Good....

I'm okay....

Ehhhhh, alright......

I'm fine......

This is how a basic conversation goes when you see someone:

How are you?

Good.

Me too.

See you later!

Bye!

The problem is that these conversations are too surface level. Most people who ask how someone is doing don't actually want to hear their life story, rather they just want to give a socially acceptable greeting. We are so accustomed to this system that often we don't think about what we just said. It is a natural response,

I'm fine.....

I find myself stuck in this trap all the time, and this week I found myself giving a knee-jerk response without actually considering the question. Because this week......

I'm not fine!

This is more than the it's-midterms-week-and-I'm-a-college-student not fine. This is the I-just-found-out-someone-close-to-me-passed-away not fine. This is the feeling of my heart being ripped out of my chest and a longing to be home with those I love.

This week a very dear life was lost. A close family friend. A loving wife and mother. There is a family grieving that my own family has lived life with, and I can't be there with them.

So in case you were wondering how I'm doing, 

I am not okay.

I am hurting. 

I feel lost.

I want to have answers. I want to say I'm okay. But I'm not. Most people will probably still hear "I'm fine," when they ask how I'm doing. That's because right now that's the safest answer I can give. An answer that won't leave me in tears. But for those who are close to me and know me better than to take the face value of the lie that I'm fine....

I'm hurting.

Today I want to do anything I can for those who are grieving, but I also can't stop living my own life. I can't hide from my responsibilities, I can't ignore tests and homework, and I can't shut out those who care so much about me. 

Sorry if this is a mess....but that's how I feel today. Processing grief is incredibly messy and most the time people don't know what to say to make you feel better. Maybe that's the point. Maybe for today it just needs to be okay that I'm not okay.